unCandy Land

This past week, Eric had two out of town games. It was nice to not have to bundle up to go brave the weather, but we missed cheering him on. Our tradition on out of town game nights is to have a girls night. Before Eleri, Mali and I would put on make up, drink hot chocolate, and take bubble baths. It has changed a little now, but is still fun and special. Thursday night, we popped popcorn and played Candy Land. Since the last time we played, Mali has become more competitive. She cried and cried when she drew the gingerbread man card and had to go all the way back, right when she was about to win. She had a meltdown, traded my piece with hers, threw away the card, had another meltdown, and finally conceded. I was very thankful for that moment to teach her perseverance and to do the right thing, even when its hard. Also, I got to tell her that sometimes when we do what God wants us to do, it doesn't sound like a good idea, but that God always knows what's best, and we don't see that until the end. Mali ended up winning anyway! The next night we played again, and she lost, another meltdown !!! I think we just need to play more and more!

On another Mali note, she amazes me at her creativity! She is so good at imagining and drawing. I certainly don't have creativity in the drawing area, so it is really neat to see! Her Grammie and Aunt Zina are pretty artistic, so maybe that is where she "got" it. I just love this girl and love watching her grow and learn. She really is turning into a big girl!

The Good Stuff

Yesterday we had a really good family day! It was such a blessing, and it is pretty obvious what my love language is, since I enjoyed it so much! These moments are rare during football season and with all of our projects, etc. It was nice to do nothing and to actually be in Amarillo...as a family.
We went to church, which didn't last long. We brought both girls into the service to avoid H1N1 contamination, then left for the Cafe and then ended up just going home. While Eleri napped, we had a picnic lunch on the floor and then enjoyed movies all afternoon. I helped Eric with a small project in return for a power nap. I feel like I got some good Mali time in sitting on the couch drinking hot chocolate and eating chips and salsa! The girls actually "played" together. This involved Mali pulling Eleri around in a crate from Eric's weather station box. Then they cuddled with toys and a blanket. It was too cute, the pictures don't do it justice. Eric and I got to dance to Ryan Adams. Apparently, he IS a good dancer, I just can't follow his lead. Hmmm.:) We ended the night with Eric bathing Eleri, a shower/bath with Mali, a warm fire, Amazing Race, and cookies! It was a really nice day!

Spent

I just had to blog this while it was all fresh on my mind, and yes if you are wondering, I'm neglecting my children while I blog. Or maybe I could say I'm encouraging them to play independently! Ha!
Last night I was spent! In the last nine months I've had 9 full nights of sleep. It seems that Eleri's sleeping is actually getting worse. Some nights, I can nurse her and she's right back to sleep. Some nights I've been up every 30 minutes at night with her. Night after night has ern a challenge. I've been recovering from a stomach bug and it has just been a hard time to be a mom of two. The night I was sick, Eleri decided to not sleep and was up for three hours. Eric even helped me. All you moms understand, and I have plenty of you as friends that have been sick recently too. Being a mom and being sick is just not fair! Add on top of that, the fact that I've been up a lot with Eleri in the middle of the night and haven't been able to get the rest I need. Eric was out of town in Lubbock for a game, so I was excited all day about putting the girls to bed early and myself going to bed early, even foregoing a shower just to crawl in my cozy, cushiony bed a few minutes sooner. Well, Mali came yelling into the room as soon as I got Eleri to sleep about a dog outside. Needless to say, Eleri woke up and was ready to go! About 20 minutes later, Eric came home. Both girls were so excited to see their daddy that there was no bedtime in site for either of them. My attitude was horrible towards Eric at first, and I did have to apologize. I just wanted to go to bed, but he was thrilled that he had gotten home earlier than expected and would get to see his girls since he wouldn't get to see them until Saturday some time. That's when the attitude started, and it continued throughout the night, the multiple times I was up with Eleri and then with Mali when she had to go to the bathroom in her sleepwalk state. At 5am, Eleri would not go back to sleep. I felt myself getting angry at her, which is so irrational. She is just a baby, I kept saying, but I couldn't stop feeling angry, and so I put her in her crib. I took a mom time out while she watched her peaceful projector, and then got her about 30 minutes later. Then Mali got up at 6am! I was so struggling with my attitude. I realized that it all had to do with expectations and selfishness. I had expected to go to bed early and was mad about that, I had expected to go back to sleep at 5am and was mad about that. It was also selfishness. I had started thinking about how much I needed sleep and how sick I had been and what I needed! All this thinking is so wrong and had led to my wrong attitude and anger! I knew that I needed to be thankful and was trying so hard! I also, in my irrationality I must admit, became worried about SIDs and how devastated I would be. So I did check on Eleri, who has been fine! I was trying so hard to pull myself out of this! And, after talking with Beth, I realized that I was also angry at God. I had begged him to let Eleri go back to sleep and He didn't answer my prayer! Didn't he know I needed sleep, and that if I didn't get sleep I wouldn't recover and my immune system would be compromised? I certainly had a lot to deal with this morning in my attitude. Several of my friends, actually I must say, all of my friends, have had pile on top of pile of things to deal with and has left us questioning why God has done this to us, and not looking at what God has done for us...like our beautiful, healthy children that we really cherish. We just all seem to be stuck under the piles of sickness, sleeplessness, swine flu, and sucking issues!
Then, God showed me this verse when I went to His Word "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." I Thessalonians 5:23. So in the last 24 hours I've been very much guilty and full of blame! But God IS faithful and he WILL do it and keep my spirit, soul and sick, tired body blameless if I rest in Him.
So the solution that Beth and I came up with on the phone today...venting is ok and necessary. Satan wants us to be angry at God and believe his lies. I need to replace Satan's lies with truth,but Satan knows in my emotional/too tired state I don't go to that truth but rely on my own fleshly feelings. Be thankful for what God does give us, don't expect an early bedtime, but be thankful when we get it. We need a break, but may not get one, rest in His strength and wait patiently for when the break comes.
I'm praying Peace over all of my friends and myself. I'm amazed at just how reading God's truth has settled my soul, spirit and body. And how it has refreshed me to keep on going. And, how talking with a friend has made me realize that I'm normal and that we were able to laugh at our crazy thoughts and irrationality but to encourage each other in choosing God's way, not our own.
Now back to my precious, precious gifts. Holding my sweet, squishy little baby and watching and laughing at Mali as she sings and pretends!
Also, in case anyone is wondering, I will not be receiving the Mom of the Year award again this year...there is always next year!:)

Guilt

Guilt...I'm the queen of it, and it has been hitting me particularly hard since Eleri's birth. If you regularly read my blog you may have read some similar posts. But God has really been dealing with me on this one. I've realized that having this guilt...this stronghold...is a serious sin in my life. I remember someone once said that "conviction is from God and guilt is from Satan." I want to be aware of what God is convicted me of and change, but I also heap on a TON of guilt on top of myself and some times that guilt can become debilitating. Confession is part of dealing with my sin...so I guess this is me venting but at the same time confessing and at the same time, maybe, giving encouragement or at least allowing others to know they aren't alone in these feelings...unless of course I'm the only one that feels like this!:) So what is some of my guilt? Well, leaving the girls in the nursery is one of them. My motives and intentions are perfectly good, I think, but still a stronghold. God told me to be a stay at home mom and so I want to give 100%, I know that this is a short season and I'm committed to giving all that I have for those very few years that I have the girls solely at home. So, I don't want to spend every day placing them in the nursery at church so that I can have some me time. There is nothing wrong with that and I have plenty, okay all, my friends that love and cherish and need that time. I feel differently. It leaves me feeling guilty and sometimes sick that I'm not doing my job. Which, when I examine it, means that I'm placing all responsibility upon myself for raising these girls. Yes, it is my job and I am responsible, but God is the one who will work in my girls and through me. By clinging so tightly to them, I'm actually exercising a form of pride...thinking I'm the only one that can give my girls what they need. Uugh! I could cry! Isn't it true though? Aren't I their mother? This is just what God is dealing with me on right now! And, my absolutely best friend was used in part of this process of conviction! I love Carrie because she tells me the truth, even when it isn't easy!:) Carrie helped me to see that sometimes we parent our children with our fears...so I'm afraid of my children being rejected by me so that is part of my issues with leaving them in the nursery, I don't want them to feel rejected!
I also feel guilt about not giving a 100% to Mali. Nearly every night I could lie in bed upset that I didn't read a single book to Mali or I told her "just a minute" too many times during the day. I also feel a ton of guilt that I'm constantly multi tasking with Eleri. I spent so much one on one time with Mali as a baby, but rarely give that to Eleri. I feel so much guilt about this and worry about our bonding because of it! I also feel guilty that I don't pray for Eleri like I did for Mali. Only time will tell though, and I imagine there will not be a perceivable difference in the girls as they get older.
I also feel guilt about: the piles of papers that need to be filed, that I forget a million things a day, that I'm not the best wife, that I forget about my friends, that I forget to pray for my friends, that I leave the girls to work an hour a day, that I don't always pick up Eleri when she cries when I'm working, that my brain is mush about 110% of the time, that I have debt....so the list could go on! BUT HERE IS THE TRUTH....
God has been showing me scripture and reassuring me with truth.
Through BSF:
Do I have this need that I have to be everything to everyone? This is NOT biblical thinking. I'm not called to do everything, but I am called to do specific things.
God's opinion of us is really all that matters, because at any given time you will either be thinking too little or too highly of yourself.
Knowing the truth about yourself is knowing who you are and who you are not. (I'm keeping a list of WHO I AM and WHO I AM NOT as I come across scripture with those truths).
Our deepest need is not to be on top politically to have everything we want, or to be free from hardships. Our need is to be cleansed by God.
Scripture:
Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus
John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God
2 Corinthians 4:7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us

Okay, well its not as well shared as I had anticipated as this has been building in my head, but its out there, and the girls are up!:)