Dear Mali

Disclaimer:
I really debated posting this. It is very personal and is written to Mali, not in the fashion that my posts normally are written. I wrote it first and then thought to post it, so I never considered who my audience might be reading this. But, I'm using this blog to keep up with digital scrapbooking now too, and honestly, it is just an easy way to have these things organized that I will use one day in scrapbooking. Especially since I'm not really sure where last year's letter is. Each year, I've written a birthday letter to Mali. This is my letter for her 5 year old birthday. I really can't believe that when we wake up tomorrow, we will be celebrating 5!!! I'm a little sad and almost want it to not come, but it will, and five will be a wonderful, maybe wonderfully difficult, year!

Oh sweet Mali, you are five! I cannot believe it has been five years since you were born. It has been so wonderful to become your mother. Most days I’m not sure how God could entrust me with such a precious gift, but He did and I’m soo glad. You are a treasure to me! This year I’ve prayed for you less, cuddled with you less, been less patient with you…but I have not loved you any less! I’m thankful for God’s mercy in parenting and confident that He will grow me to be the mother that you absolutely deserve as well as provide other people in your life to make up for where I’ve failed. But this letter is not about me, and neither is this journey, it is about you! For four years, life was about you. This past year has brought a huge change! You are now a big sister and you have to share everything! I’ve loved watching you in this role. Some days and moments you make me beam with pride. I love watching your tender moments with your sister! I love watching you help her walk and how you teach her too. I love how you repeat little phrases that I’ve said in passing, like “look mom she’s learning!” You have such potential and I can’t wait to watch you and Eleri’s relationship strengthen as the years go on! Most days and moments are really hard to share mom and dad’s laps and attention! I pray that these hard days teach you and strengthen your character and that I’m faithful with those teachable moments.
This year has really flown by! You have really grown up and are loosing a lot of the little girl in you! You amaze me with how smart you are! You love to learn and have really excelled in preschool (based on my observations!) You can write anything that we spell for you! One of my favorite things to do with you is to tell you how to spell words and watch you write! One time you wanted me to spell Chocolate Lab Weimeraner Mix! (Which I don’t think I spelled right!) YOU are learning, and I love it! I’m so very proud of you! You’ve also started rhyming and it is so cute! I’m amazed at how you have just picked up on this! I think you now officially learn more outside of the home. Even though this makes me a little sad, I’m still so proud of you and know that it is the best thing for you! I’m also amazed at how you can draw! I love your drawings and your creativity! I love the picture of Daddy golfing that you drew! You have some talent, albeit 4-year-old talent, but I think you certainly outdo me! I treasure these drawings and hate to part with them! It’s so hard to throw anything away that you’ve written or drawn because I’m just so proud of you and what you’ve done!
This year has also ushered in a new issue that really I just don’t like to deal with! You like little boys! How does this happen soooo early? Miss Mali, I am just not ready for this! To be honest, I want more for you than to be a boy crazy little girl. I see so much potential in you that I worry that you will waste it on being interested in boys. The times that I take to pray, I’m praying about this!!!! Your interest has been in a boy named Parker in the other preschool class. He doesn’t seem so interested! I have noticed that you do pick the cute ones though, so I guess at least you have good taste! I still don’t know how to handle your giddiness when any cute boy, at any age, is around you! I pray and hope that you will hold your head up and be confident in the beautiful, strong girl that God has made you! I think my heart rate has increased just now just thinking about this! Oh am I praying for wisdom and guidance in this area. I know we can really mess it up, but you are also only five!!!
I love watching you dance and sing! You really do like to perform and entertain! You have a beautiful voice and you always seem to sing songs in the same key that you’ve heard them! You can repeat almost any song that you’ve heard and liked whether it is the score from Annie or some of Daddy’s songs! You are precious and there is nothing sweeter to me than to see you smiling as you sing or dance on stage! You are a beauty and really like to enjoy yourself!
I love your funny little jokes and just witty things you say! I think you must get that from your Daddy! It is so cute and I love that my five year old can crack me up like you do! These moments are soooo soooo precious!
This year we have had a lot of discussion about Jesus living in your heart. You’ve told mommy and daddy that you want Jesus to live in your heart and that you have asked Him to live there. You’ve talked with us about what baptism means! I want you to know that walking with Jesus is a decision that you make every day, sometimes every hour or minute. Each decision you make is a choice to either walk with Jesus or not walk with Him. I believe that these decisions are so important and pray that you will choose to walk with Jesus! I know, from the other side, that this is the best choice that you can make! You enjoy going to BSF where you are the “leader” and going to the Clubhouse and singing praise songs. You’ve learned scripture and Truth at church, BSF and preschool.
I can’t believe you can swing on your own! You are also doing so great riding your bike! I love our outdoor time!
You talk about the cabin a lot! That warms my heart! Because I love the cabin and I love you so much. You have memories there that we are creating as a family. You also talk about San Diego. I’m thrilled that we have made sweet family memories together!
We’ve had some hard times this year! You are so strong willed, but I absolutely know and trust that God created you this way! So even though it is difficult sometimes as a parent, I also love it! There are days that I see a lot of me in you. I’m not sure how good that is, but it is the way that God made you. You have your bossy moments and we’ve had to work a lot on obedience and respect this year. But I see that you are getting it! You are doing so great saying “yes ma’m”. I can so sympathize with you on these areas, so sometimes I don’t always enforce discipline like I probably should!
You have also seemed to find your role as the big sister, or the older one in our family. When you see mommy cleaning, you like to help me clean! You like to work hard at cleaning your own bathroom. You also are finally motivated to keep your room clean. I think it just clicked; maybe it was age, or really wanting to please your Daddy. You’ve done a great job in the last few months of picking up your room. You also like to race Eleri to get ready in the morning and after bath at night! You win most nights! But I don’t care, as long as you brush your hair with out a battle!!! You really want bangs and keep saying funny things like “Jinni said bangs don’t hurt” and “Grammie has bangs Mommy.” I won’t let you have bangs, end of discussion!!! I can not have the added drama of having to keep those bangs trimmed!!
You really are my five-year-old princess! I love you deeply, even though I may be bad at showing it some days. I love your big smile! I love your funny expressions and how expressive you are when you talk and tell stories. I love how you are so social and can make friends anywhere. I love that you love to talk! I love that you dance like crazy and sing like crazy. I love watching you love your daddy! I love when you give your sister a sweet kiss or speak sweetly to her. I love when you help mommy clean and do your very best to be my helper! I love watching you play with Aspen. I love that you love the cabin. I love that you have such a great memory! I love watching you draw and write. I secretly love your style of dressing, because it is you, and I love you! I LOVE YOU MY SWEET MALI! Have a wonderful wonderful fifth year!
Love,
Mommy

We also seem to have a song for each of our girls. This year, this is the song for Mali! Here are the words and video...
KING OF THE WORLD by Point of Grace

Spinning around on the tops of his feet
smiles of the angels can not be so sweet
wide blue eyes and piggy tail swirls
shes her daddy's girl
cuz he knows the jokes that always make her laugh
takes her for ice cream instead of her nap
at the end of the day by the light of the moon
they turn up the music in their living room
and she yells

dance me, dance me around till my feet don't ever touch down there's nothing better than being your girl and if i am your princess then daddy you are the king of the world

its funny how life moves in circles of time to think not so long ago that face was mine
houses get smaller we take different names but some things in life stay the same

dance me, dance me around till my feet don't ever touch down there's nothing better than being your girl and if i am your princess than daddy you are the king of the world

some day she'll go off and find a life of her own
and marry a good man and make a happy home
until she comes back and sees with those same eyes what time can not disguse she walks through the door with that look on her face cuz daddy's brown hair has all turned to gray they talk for hours they cry and they laugh watchin old movies and time goes by just as she turns to go she says hey day how bout one for the road

dance me, dance me around till my feet don't ever touch down

dance me, dance me around till my feet dont ever touch down cuz theres nothing better than being your girl oh theres nothing better than being your girl and if i am your princess than daddy you are the king of the world
king of the world
smile of the angels could not be so sweet

I LOVE fall!

I absolutely LOVE Fall. I love hearing the leaves as the wind blows them down the sidewalk. I love watching the leaves change and the beautiful oranges, yellows and reds of the leaves. I love wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt and being comfortable. I love the warm sun. I love indian summers. I love spending time outside. And, I love taking my girls pictures with all of this beauty. I read one time in "The Sin Eater" about how the seasons are yet another picture of Jesus. Winter being Jesus' death and spring being his resurrection. I'm not sure what that makes fall, but I wonder if it is symbolic of the Jesus' earthly ministry and preparation to give us the most beautiful gift Anyone has ever given...the guilt offering to pay for our sins.

King of the World

Daddies and daughters certainly have a special relationship. I've loved watching Eric as a daddy. He's pretty great at it and Mali just thinks he hung the moon. Meemee introduced Eric to the song King of the World by Point of Grace and Mali loves to sing it. Here is a video of her singing it. Her favorite line is "he takes her for ice cream instead of her nap"-could that be any more
descriptive of their relationship???

A few more wonderful daddy things: Eric figured out how to motivate Mali to get ready. He made it into a competition between Mali and Eleri. Every night, and morning now, Mali is racing Eleri to get ready...even brushing her hair!!! Eleri, and I, loose every night because I just can't get this squirmy baby diapered and dressed fast enough.
Also, last night we were all in the car together and Mali and Eric started playing 'I Spy'. It was so cute and I've never even thought about doing that with her in the car! The only bad part was she kept cheating so that her daddy would get the right answer instead of me!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

unCandy Land

This past week, Eric had two out of town games. It was nice to not have to bundle up to go brave the weather, but we missed cheering him on. Our tradition on out of town game nights is to have a girls night. Before Eleri, Mali and I would put on make up, drink hot chocolate, and take bubble baths. It has changed a little now, but is still fun and special. Thursday night, we popped popcorn and played Candy Land. Since the last time we played, Mali has become more competitive. She cried and cried when she drew the gingerbread man card and had to go all the way back, right when she was about to win. She had a meltdown, traded my piece with hers, threw away the card, had another meltdown, and finally conceded. I was very thankful for that moment to teach her perseverance and to do the right thing, even when its hard. Also, I got to tell her that sometimes when we do what God wants us to do, it doesn't sound like a good idea, but that God always knows what's best, and we don't see that until the end. Mali ended up winning anyway! The next night we played again, and she lost, another meltdown !!! I think we just need to play more and more!

On another Mali note, she amazes me at her creativity! She is so good at imagining and drawing. I certainly don't have creativity in the drawing area, so it is really neat to see! Her Grammie and Aunt Zina are pretty artistic, so maybe that is where she "got" it. I just love this girl and love watching her grow and learn. She really is turning into a big girl!

The Good Stuff

Yesterday we had a really good family day! It was such a blessing, and it is pretty obvious what my love language is, since I enjoyed it so much! These moments are rare during football season and with all of our projects, etc. It was nice to do nothing and to actually be in Amarillo...as a family.
We went to church, which didn't last long. We brought both girls into the service to avoid H1N1 contamination, then left for the Cafe and then ended up just going home. While Eleri napped, we had a picnic lunch on the floor and then enjoyed movies all afternoon. I helped Eric with a small project in return for a power nap. I feel like I got some good Mali time in sitting on the couch drinking hot chocolate and eating chips and salsa! The girls actually "played" together. This involved Mali pulling Eleri around in a crate from Eric's weather station box. Then they cuddled with toys and a blanket. It was too cute, the pictures don't do it justice. Eric and I got to dance to Ryan Adams. Apparently, he IS a good dancer, I just can't follow his lead. Hmmm.:) We ended the night with Eric bathing Eleri, a shower/bath with Mali, a warm fire, Amazing Race, and cookies! It was a really nice day!

Spent

I just had to blog this while it was all fresh on my mind, and yes if you are wondering, I'm neglecting my children while I blog. Or maybe I could say I'm encouraging them to play independently! Ha!
Last night I was spent! In the last nine months I've had 9 full nights of sleep. It seems that Eleri's sleeping is actually getting worse. Some nights, I can nurse her and she's right back to sleep. Some nights I've been up every 30 minutes at night with her. Night after night has ern a challenge. I've been recovering from a stomach bug and it has just been a hard time to be a mom of two. The night I was sick, Eleri decided to not sleep and was up for three hours. Eric even helped me. All you moms understand, and I have plenty of you as friends that have been sick recently too. Being a mom and being sick is just not fair! Add on top of that, the fact that I've been up a lot with Eleri in the middle of the night and haven't been able to get the rest I need. Eric was out of town in Lubbock for a game, so I was excited all day about putting the girls to bed early and myself going to bed early, even foregoing a shower just to crawl in my cozy, cushiony bed a few minutes sooner. Well, Mali came yelling into the room as soon as I got Eleri to sleep about a dog outside. Needless to say, Eleri woke up and was ready to go! About 20 minutes later, Eric came home. Both girls were so excited to see their daddy that there was no bedtime in site for either of them. My attitude was horrible towards Eric at first, and I did have to apologize. I just wanted to go to bed, but he was thrilled that he had gotten home earlier than expected and would get to see his girls since he wouldn't get to see them until Saturday some time. That's when the attitude started, and it continued throughout the night, the multiple times I was up with Eleri and then with Mali when she had to go to the bathroom in her sleepwalk state. At 5am, Eleri would not go back to sleep. I felt myself getting angry at her, which is so irrational. She is just a baby, I kept saying, but I couldn't stop feeling angry, and so I put her in her crib. I took a mom time out while she watched her peaceful projector, and then got her about 30 minutes later. Then Mali got up at 6am! I was so struggling with my attitude. I realized that it all had to do with expectations and selfishness. I had expected to go to bed early and was mad about that, I had expected to go back to sleep at 5am and was mad about that. It was also selfishness. I had started thinking about how much I needed sleep and how sick I had been and what I needed! All this thinking is so wrong and had led to my wrong attitude and anger! I knew that I needed to be thankful and was trying so hard! I also, in my irrationality I must admit, became worried about SIDs and how devastated I would be. So I did check on Eleri, who has been fine! I was trying so hard to pull myself out of this! And, after talking with Beth, I realized that I was also angry at God. I had begged him to let Eleri go back to sleep and He didn't answer my prayer! Didn't he know I needed sleep, and that if I didn't get sleep I wouldn't recover and my immune system would be compromised? I certainly had a lot to deal with this morning in my attitude. Several of my friends, actually I must say, all of my friends, have had pile on top of pile of things to deal with and has left us questioning why God has done this to us, and not looking at what God has done for us...like our beautiful, healthy children that we really cherish. We just all seem to be stuck under the piles of sickness, sleeplessness, swine flu, and sucking issues!
Then, God showed me this verse when I went to His Word "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." I Thessalonians 5:23. So in the last 24 hours I've been very much guilty and full of blame! But God IS faithful and he WILL do it and keep my spirit, soul and sick, tired body blameless if I rest in Him.
So the solution that Beth and I came up with on the phone today...venting is ok and necessary. Satan wants us to be angry at God and believe his lies. I need to replace Satan's lies with truth,but Satan knows in my emotional/too tired state I don't go to that truth but rely on my own fleshly feelings. Be thankful for what God does give us, don't expect an early bedtime, but be thankful when we get it. We need a break, but may not get one, rest in His strength and wait patiently for when the break comes.
I'm praying Peace over all of my friends and myself. I'm amazed at just how reading God's truth has settled my soul, spirit and body. And how it has refreshed me to keep on going. And, how talking with a friend has made me realize that I'm normal and that we were able to laugh at our crazy thoughts and irrationality but to encourage each other in choosing God's way, not our own.
Now back to my precious, precious gifts. Holding my sweet, squishy little baby and watching and laughing at Mali as she sings and pretends!
Also, in case anyone is wondering, I will not be receiving the Mom of the Year award again this year...there is always next year!:)

Guilt

Guilt...I'm the queen of it, and it has been hitting me particularly hard since Eleri's birth. If you regularly read my blog you may have read some similar posts. But God has really been dealing with me on this one. I've realized that having this guilt...this stronghold...is a serious sin in my life. I remember someone once said that "conviction is from God and guilt is from Satan." I want to be aware of what God is convicted me of and change, but I also heap on a TON of guilt on top of myself and some times that guilt can become debilitating. Confession is part of dealing with my sin...so I guess this is me venting but at the same time confessing and at the same time, maybe, giving encouragement or at least allowing others to know they aren't alone in these feelings...unless of course I'm the only one that feels like this!:) So what is some of my guilt? Well, leaving the girls in the nursery is one of them. My motives and intentions are perfectly good, I think, but still a stronghold. God told me to be a stay at home mom and so I want to give 100%, I know that this is a short season and I'm committed to giving all that I have for those very few years that I have the girls solely at home. So, I don't want to spend every day placing them in the nursery at church so that I can have some me time. There is nothing wrong with that and I have plenty, okay all, my friends that love and cherish and need that time. I feel differently. It leaves me feeling guilty and sometimes sick that I'm not doing my job. Which, when I examine it, means that I'm placing all responsibility upon myself for raising these girls. Yes, it is my job and I am responsible, but God is the one who will work in my girls and through me. By clinging so tightly to them, I'm actually exercising a form of pride...thinking I'm the only one that can give my girls what they need. Uugh! I could cry! Isn't it true though? Aren't I their mother? This is just what God is dealing with me on right now! And, my absolutely best friend was used in part of this process of conviction! I love Carrie because she tells me the truth, even when it isn't easy!:) Carrie helped me to see that sometimes we parent our children with our fears...so I'm afraid of my children being rejected by me so that is part of my issues with leaving them in the nursery, I don't want them to feel rejected!
I also feel guilt about not giving a 100% to Mali. Nearly every night I could lie in bed upset that I didn't read a single book to Mali or I told her "just a minute" too many times during the day. I also feel a ton of guilt that I'm constantly multi tasking with Eleri. I spent so much one on one time with Mali as a baby, but rarely give that to Eleri. I feel so much guilt about this and worry about our bonding because of it! I also feel guilty that I don't pray for Eleri like I did for Mali. Only time will tell though, and I imagine there will not be a perceivable difference in the girls as they get older.
I also feel guilt about: the piles of papers that need to be filed, that I forget a million things a day, that I'm not the best wife, that I forget about my friends, that I forget to pray for my friends, that I leave the girls to work an hour a day, that I don't always pick up Eleri when she cries when I'm working, that my brain is mush about 110% of the time, that I have debt....so the list could go on! BUT HERE IS THE TRUTH....
God has been showing me scripture and reassuring me with truth.
Through BSF:
Do I have this need that I have to be everything to everyone? This is NOT biblical thinking. I'm not called to do everything, but I am called to do specific things.
God's opinion of us is really all that matters, because at any given time you will either be thinking too little or too highly of yourself.
Knowing the truth about yourself is knowing who you are and who you are not. (I'm keeping a list of WHO I AM and WHO I AM NOT as I come across scripture with those truths).
Our deepest need is not to be on top politically to have everything we want, or to be free from hardships. Our need is to be cleansed by God.
Scripture:
Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus
John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God
2 Corinthians 4:7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us

Okay, well its not as well shared as I had anticipated as this has been building in my head, but its out there, and the girls are up!:)