Annual Review

I recently heard a speaker discussing the transition from working to being a stay at home mom. She commented that there is no data for stay at home moms to measure our job performance. Fortunately I stumbled upon such a review. Yesterday I was asking Mali to tell me what she likes about her daddy, and she said one thing and then quickly said "but I don't like...". First of all, she was in one of those moods, but I also wanted to see what she would say about me. What I'm going to blog in this post is pretty hard to share, the last thing I want to do is be a failure as a parent and I really do not like being vulnerable at all, but I want to share to 1. document it 2. be accountable to changing it, if no one knows then I might not change 3. parenting is hard, but through God's guidance we can make it and have well loved children at the end. So this is what Mali said, and I hope to make a habit of getting an annual review:
What do you like about mommy?:
When you play with me, read to me, that you're thankful for what you get, taking shower/baths together, when you be kind, when you calm down and stop saying ugly words, when I swing and you push me, watching movies like Narnia and Australia, when we have fun and enjoy spring.
Now its time for my rebuttable, or clarification. First of all, I think many times a day, I tell Mali she needs to calm down or that she is using ugly words or has an ugly mouth. Most often, she turns around and says "you're being ugly mommy" and I respond something like this "Mommy is teaching you and I'm being firm." However, I KNOW I need to change this and use sweet/kind words when correcting her or speaking with her after asking her this. I've already seen a huge difference in this and how she responds. When I talk calmly and without frustration to her and just sit with her and maybe hold her hand as I explain to her that I was trying to get Eleri to fall asleep and how she was being too loud, it works so much better than, to be honest, yelling at her to stop being loud! I'm sure I won't always get it right, but I'm trying to lean on the Holy Spirit to enable me to do so. On the other hand, I'm thankful that she enjoys things about me, but at the same time feel guilty because I haven't been doing them as often since Eleri's birth. There is always some reason that I can't push her in the swing or read to her. BUT, we have gotten to take lots of shower/baths together!:)

What don't you like about mommy?
Your sassy mouth, but you're just teaching me.
Going to Sam's

Now, I'm not sure who doesn't like going to Sam's....FREE SAMPLES. But apparently what adults like children don't always appreciate!:) Her other statement goes with what I was saying previously. Our mouths either speak life or death, and I tell her that so often in a day, now its time for me to speak life!!!

Finally, I asked her what she wishes mommy would do:
Have fun and not do anything else
Take me to SeaWorld and Disneytown.

I knew the materialism had to creep in there some where!!!:) And, my big observation is that it is all about spending time with her and focusing on her!

God help me to be a better mom, enable to me be wise and intentional with the time that I have and to give Mali quality time. Give me a mouth that speaks life and help me to calmly handle correction and take the time to sit with her and be sweet. Forgive me where I have failed and push me forward to do better through your power and strength. Thank you for the times that I have made Mali feel loved and for the sweet memories and moments that I had to make deposits of time into her life!

I can't do it all

After nearly 5 months with two girls, I've come to the realization that I can't do it all. Not even close! Every time I try, I fail miserably. Some times I come to this point with tears, with relief and most often exhaustion. I'm not sure how adding one child who doesn't even dirty dishes has added to me loading and unloading the dishwasher five times a day, every day, but it has and I'm there. I know that I can't do it all and will never be able to do it all, but I know and trust that God can do it all, or at least I remind myself of this truth. Sometimes that means that God gives me sustaining energy to get the tasks done, or answers my prayers for my time to be multiplied and my hands to be quick in the tasks that are before me. Sometimes that means that He washes me with His peace and assurance that I don't have to do it and my heart rests in peace as I play with my girls and teach them new things while the clean laundry piles higher and higher. I remember years ago meeting with a wonderful, godly woman who had an unmade bed, piles of clean clothes on the couch a passionate relationship with Jesus and well loved children. I say that I didn't judge those things, because I really didn't, but I didn't understand how one didn't have time for ALL of those things to be completed! I GET IT!! Oh do I get it and have become it, only I'm not sure that I can claim to match her passion for Jesus and love for my children. I remember the days that my co-workers gave me a hard time about how picked up and spotless my house was, and that seems like another person, an alter ego that existed long long ago. Now I've become the woman with food particles sprayed on my white cabinets from who knows when, because to be honest, I ignore it because there are so many other tasks to be completed, that matter more. I'm the woman with piles of clean laundry and I think "at least they're all clean". Not too big of a deal for me and the girls, but for the guy that can stand wrinkled clothes...it's a big deal!:) And, by the end of the day, it is not even close to apparent that I have picked up and cleaned Mali's room at least two times, unloaded the dishwasher, emptied the sink, made tea that is now empty, picked up the front room three times, changed six diapers, nursed my sweet baby six times, handled a few meltdowns, said no and stood my ground, spelled my name, Eric's name, Eleri's name and other words throughout the day, gave out hundreds of smiles, touches, hugs and kisses to my girls, fed the dogs twice, yelled at the dogs twice, got dressed, got Mali dressed in cute matching clothes, asked Mali to put her four different changes of outfits on hangers or in the dirty clothes, got Eleri dressed two times after spit up, prayed for patience, prayed for strength, prayed for God to sustain me, prayed for God to infiltrate me...and I could go on. I wouldn't trade it and am so thankful, but I'm so overwhelmed and though I've realized I can't do it all and know with all my heart God can, I don't know how to balance it all. When is it okay to leave things undone? What battles do I pick? How does my house get clean...okay I'll take presentable. How do I handle the constant mess of Mali's room even though I've already picked it up or in some way motivated Mali to get it picked up just to have it trashed in minutes? Is it okay that Mali vacuumed her room herself and got clothes from the washer to the dryer?:) How do I manage my home? How do we survive, and survive well, creating a happy home environment that every one likes to be a part of?
I just had to get this out, this post has been working around in my mind for weeks!

8 year anniversary

8 years ago today Eric and I were married! It makes me feel a little old, 8 years sounds so long, but also so short. In honor of our 8 year anniversary, I wanted to post 8 great things about these 8 years.

1. Our beautiful girls and how becoming parents has enriched and stretched our marriage.
2. Our fun adventures to places like Yellowstone and Yosemite National Park, Nepal, Red River, NM, trips to the cabin, Ouray, Colorado Springs...the list could go on, but I love taking trips together and look forward to celebrating our anniversary with a trip to San Diego in a few weeks.
3. That God has used our marriage to chisel away at me and sharpen me in an attempt to make me more like God (note: I am NOT there and will probably never be there)
4. Our projects that we've worked on together in making Amarillo our home. We really seem to do great when we do projects together, like our back patio and our flower beds.
5. That we have grown in these past 8 years through so many seasons; poor newlyweds in a tiny apartment, graduate school and college, our first home, pregnancies and babies, moving together for the first time and making a new home together, our first professional jobs, etc.
6. That we have learned to love what each other loves but at the same time accepted the things that Eric loves that I just never will, but that is totally fine with me (example: He loves golf, I will never play golf, but I love going to the course with him and riding along and enjoying the beauty of the outdoors. I also am totally fine with him going to play golf whenever he needs or wants to. I love camping, Eric probably never will, but he enjoys going to the cabin and being outside that way.)
7. This one may be too much information for some, so stop reading if you want to, I just have to include it though because it is something that I feel is really great. That we waited until our wedding day to have sex and we have gotten to spend the last 8 years enjoying the intimacy of marriage together!
8. That we are continuing on to more and more years together and have determined TOGETHER that we will stay married to each other no matter what.

This is not exhaustive and I typed it rather hastily, so there is much more to all of these things. Tonight we probably won't celebrate in a traditional way, I've never been much of a romantic and don't get hung up on celebrating today. Plus Eric has spring football until 8pm tonight. But we are going to San Diego (yes as a family) and will have an enjoyable dinner out there to celebrate. I'm going to convince Eric to watch our wedding video tonight (our tradition, but we didn't do it last year), I think we need to refresh our memory on our vows, and I think Mali will get a kick out of it.

Baby Dedication

Sunday morning was baby dedication at our church. It was so wonderful and sweet and special. Grammie, Uncle Brandon, MeeMee, Papa, Josh and Kisha, Megan and Chris, and even Mali were in the sanctuary to watch. Grammie made the girls beautiful matching dresses for the occasion. We do not believe in infant baptism, because we believe that Jesus said that baptism should follow each person's decision to follow Him as an outward profession of faith, so this is some what of the equivalent. I really believe it should be called "parent dedication" because if fact, Sunday, that was what we stood before the church and did...dedicate OURSELVES to raise Eleri to know Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior. Wow, what a huge calling. I know that I am unfit in every way to teach her to love Jesus the way that I would like to, but I know that God is fit to do so and hopefully that means she will learn about loving Jesus from us, but it also may mean learning it from other amazing people throughout her life. I wanted to add to this post part of the letter that Hillside gave each child to read when they make their decision to follow Jesus:

"May 10, 2009 was a very special day. Your parents stood before God, their family and friends at Hillside Christian Church to thank God for the precious gift of life and to commit to raising you in a Christian home. They pledged to 'bring you up in the nurture and instruction of the Lord, to teach you Scripture that will lead you to know Jesus Christ as Savior and lord, to recognize and encourage your talents and uniqueness and to love you as Jesus Christ loves you'. The gathering of family and friends of Hillside vowed to 'commit themselves to instructing you in God's word, praying for you, modeling Christ-like characteristics for you, and assisting your parents in training you in the way you ought to go'."

I spent moments throughout this past week asking God to help my heart be pure before Him during this time. I didn't want to "dedicate" Eleri as show or because it was what is done for babies. I wanted my heart to truly desire to be this way and to take very serious this commitment. I'm not sure I succeeded, I only know my heart desires this. Some days I'm sure I'll mess up, just as I've messed up with Mali, but God's grace covers all of this. I just thought of what Strap used to say "when you mess up, you confess up, you get up, and keep going." As a parent, and as a Christ follower, this is just what we have to do, because we will mess up. But some wonderful moments, I will honor God and will teach Eleri the little seeds she needs to know about the most fulfilling love she will ever know...the love of Jesus.

Sunday was also Mother's Day and my first Mother's Day with 2 precious girls. I am SO honored to be their mom. God has given me the biggest blessing in these two girls; from their sweetest to most difficult moments, I am blessed. I don't want gifts on Mother's Day, because I feel as if my girls are gifts, and being able to celebrate Mother's Day is a gift. However, Eleri did give me a full night of sleep last night!:) I'm so thankful for the hugs, the smiles, the moments when Mali is learning new things that I get to teach her but on the other side I'm very thankful for the opportunity to change dirty diapers, to get to hold my sweet girl or stare at her sweet body in the middle of the night, to have the opportunity to teach Mali right from wrong even in difficult circumstances. I'm blessed and so thankful for it. Mother's Day is a wonderful opportunity for me to reflect on these gifts God has given me and to re-evaluate my role as a mom and sort of boost me to persevere!

GOAL!!!!

This morning Mali had her first soccer game. She did pretty good. I was proud of her for sticking with it and I never heard her complain. She asked for blankie a few times though. The highlight was when she ran past Eric shouting "someone has a bug in their hand". Mali was a little more interested in just running around and staying at the back of the pack. Papa and MeeMee came to watch and Papa promised her a piece of candy each time SHE scored a goal, she seemed to misinterpret this to mean ANYTIME a goal was scored, even by their opponents, and would look over at Papa and hold up the count! I'm pretty sure Mali's team won. They scored a ton of goals, although Mali didn't score, but she had fun. The girls finished up with a cute cookie as snack. I had thought I'd just go to Dollar Tree when it was our turn for snacks, but it looks like a certain precedence has already been set!




A video of Mali in action, she is #12

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Mali is #12

Jesus Paid it All, All to Him I owe

This year we got to celebrate Easter Sunday with two children, yeah! I enjoyed praying for the day that they will truly understand what was done for them on the cross. I was reading this week about how Jesus said "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do". I've always thought of it in the context of the soldiers and Jews that "crucified" Jesus, but this year it hit me that Jesus was saying this about all of us that would come after that point and sin, like my girls. They don't know what they do, but Jesus saw their sin on the cross and chose to die for those sins right then.
This is one of my favorite favorite hymns/praise songs and I just feel like it fits EXACTLY with me and where I was:

I hear the Savior say, "Thy strength indeed is small!
Child of weakness, watch and pray, find in Me thine all in all."

Lord, now indeed I find Thy pow'r, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper's spots and melt the heart of stone.

For nothing good have I whereby Thy grace to claim-
I'll wash my garments white in the blood of Calv'rys Lamb.

And when before the throne I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died my soul to save," my lips shall still repeat.

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain-
He washed it white as snow.
OH PRAISE THE ONE WHO PAID MY DEBT AND RAISED THIS LIFE UP FROM THE DEAD!!!!

I had to reflect on the real meaning of this celebration. Now to our other celebrations. Mali and I spent the week talking about Jesus dying on the cross for us and rising again. She is starting to grasp it some what and wants Jesus to live in her heart to, but I'm not sure she is quite there. We went to our church Sunday morning. After "the clubhouse" (What Mali calls her church), she said she learned "The Good News, Jesus is Alive!" I'm thrilled at what she is learning. After church, we went to Dalhart for an Easter lunch with Megan and Chris and Jordan and his family and then an Easter egg hunt. Here are some pictures!

Full Circle

One of the sweetest moments for me of parenting a preschooler/toddler has been moments that come full circle...memories that I remember from my childhood that I get to expose Mali to or see her enjoy.
Yesterday it snowed a beautiful snow here in Amarillo (after 80 degree days). The snow flakes reminded me of snow flakes in Ouray when it would snow. To celebrate, we enjoyed hot chocolate piled high with whip cream. Mali was so excited about this surprise. And the taste of the whip cream just reminded me so much of going to the Silver Nugget with my mom and drinking hot chocolate there!
The second memory I've wanted to blog about for a while, but haven't made the time. My dad came over wearing a Burger King crown the other day and brought Mali one too. This is such a strong memory from my childhood. Every time we went to Burger King to eat with my dad (often on the way to the airport for us to go back home), he would put on a crown when we stood in line and wear it the whole time. It is one of those things that as a child you act like embarrasses you, but really it is comforting because it was who my dad was! I secretly loved that he did that! So now it is full circle, and I'm no where near embarrassed, but thrilled to see my daughter and dad enjoying those sweet memories that I have.