For once in the past week, I have not wanted to just crawl into bed. It could have been the effect of adrenaline coursing through my body from trying to catch a thief who had stolen a blower off of a landscaper mowing our neighbors yard early today, or it may have been because I just wanted to write and rest in what God spoke to me today.
There are two main reasons that I blog (which I’m sure I’ve referenced on several occasions whether for my own purpose or to defend my immense posts). The first reason is to vent and to share. I love sharing what God has shown me or even new things that I’m learning in hopes that I can just help others out there…other tired moms or women going through difficult times. I know so many times that I read other blogs that in just a sentence draw me closer to God, convict me and teach me. I want that for my blog. But this is where I’ve fallen by the wayside probably since Eleri’s birth. I don’t have the blogging time that I used to…pause for major interruption from my 5 year old (see what I mean? Even the quiet hours of the night don’t provide solace to blog.) And let me tell you, I’m so distracted. I can’t blog with any semblance of noise or interruptions from previously mentioned 5 year olds. I completely loose all train of thought. So with great sadness, this is what has been missing from my blog, but it hasn’t been missing from my life. This past year God has continued to speak to me and guide me in mothering. I have to strive much much more to find those quiet moments so that I can be with him and hear him, but I long for those moments. And, I’ve experienced God’s grace too. He knows where I am in life…not that its an excuse and I don’t want to use it as an excuse, but its His grace evident in my life and that loving Him and seeking Him is what matters to Him. I even told Mali today that God doesn’t care how we talk to Him just that we do talk to him. My second reason to blog has been to document the girls. I’ve even slacked in that area.
Tonight I came across a wonderful blog. It really encouraged me and has so many great quotes that just free me as a mom. One of my huge fears is failure and even before getting married I knew that I was terrified to get married and to have kids because I was terrified to fail but knew that I would fail. It was so gripping. And even though I was afraid of failing, it was love that has motivated me not to fail not that fear. I had that fear of failing because I love Eric and I love my girls and I love being married and love being their mommy and I don’t want to fail at it. I want to do my best and give my best and love them all through out their lives and leave them with legacies of love. Having a loving family and being a loving mom is success to me. But I feel bogged down and don’t believe that I’m succeeding too many times when my nights end with counting down the minutes until bed time and frustration with Mali not going to bed. Today I read this quote: "I tell myself this, that I can't go to jail over toilet bowls and there is grace and a smile behind all the ethereal veil and I can just rest. That God's will for a day is never to shoulder a burden but to come rest on His shoulder". I felt encouraged and hopeful and saw a fullness of God’s grace. And of course since this post was sooo good I kept reading the new blog I stumbled across. I won’t tell you that I was captivated by the blog and finding my place of rest while my girls were in the bath splashing every where and making a water slide. But don’t worry, Mali was holding Eleri while they slid down the side of the bathtub. Nope I didn’t do that, or maybe I did. And if I did, I was sitting right next to the bathtub and might or might not have the wet clothes to prove it.I read some one’s Facebook status the other day that said something to the effect of bathtime being a great babysitter.
After reading on , I read through this post. Can I tell you how much even more it encouraged me? Now this is what led me to write this post to begin with
"Isaiah 40:11….he gently leads those that have young.
I felt the strangling terror give way to realization. Motherhood does not require, thankfully, perfection. It simply requires commitment and humility.
He was not leading this Mother to be a Hallmark version of perfection.
But rather a committed, humble, real one.
Lord...let me sing the refrain this Mother's Day: Relationships cost. It is not that I won't blow it. It is what I do with it afterwards."
God will gently lead those that have young…He will gently lead me with my young…my young 5 year old that looks so big, my young 17 month old that didn’t stay a baby for long, and my young baby that is growing inside of me. Even though I will blow it, and have already blown it, even though I’ve blown it with my first, and my second, and I’m still having a third….God’s grace remains and he will gently lead me.
And I hate to end this blog on this note. I had intended to write ahead of time all that I was feeling about #3…but this will do for today.
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