Guilt

Guilt...I'm the queen of it, and it has been hitting me particularly hard since Eleri's birth. If you regularly read my blog you may have read some similar posts. But God has really been dealing with me on this one. I've realized that having this guilt...this stronghold...is a serious sin in my life. I remember someone once said that "conviction is from God and guilt is from Satan." I want to be aware of what God is convicted me of and change, but I also heap on a TON of guilt on top of myself and some times that guilt can become debilitating. Confession is part of dealing with my sin...so I guess this is me venting but at the same time confessing and at the same time, maybe, giving encouragement or at least allowing others to know they aren't alone in these feelings...unless of course I'm the only one that feels like this!:) So what is some of my guilt? Well, leaving the girls in the nursery is one of them. My motives and intentions are perfectly good, I think, but still a stronghold. God told me to be a stay at home mom and so I want to give 100%, I know that this is a short season and I'm committed to giving all that I have for those very few years that I have the girls solely at home. So, I don't want to spend every day placing them in the nursery at church so that I can have some me time. There is nothing wrong with that and I have plenty, okay all, my friends that love and cherish and need that time. I feel differently. It leaves me feeling guilty and sometimes sick that I'm not doing my job. Which, when I examine it, means that I'm placing all responsibility upon myself for raising these girls. Yes, it is my job and I am responsible, but God is the one who will work in my girls and through me. By clinging so tightly to them, I'm actually exercising a form of pride...thinking I'm the only one that can give my girls what they need. Uugh! I could cry! Isn't it true though? Aren't I their mother? This is just what God is dealing with me on right now! And, my absolutely best friend was used in part of this process of conviction! I love Carrie because she tells me the truth, even when it isn't easy!:) Carrie helped me to see that sometimes we parent our children with our fears...so I'm afraid of my children being rejected by me so that is part of my issues with leaving them in the nursery, I don't want them to feel rejected!
I also feel guilt about not giving a 100% to Mali. Nearly every night I could lie in bed upset that I didn't read a single book to Mali or I told her "just a minute" too many times during the day. I also feel a ton of guilt that I'm constantly multi tasking with Eleri. I spent so much one on one time with Mali as a baby, but rarely give that to Eleri. I feel so much guilt about this and worry about our bonding because of it! I also feel guilty that I don't pray for Eleri like I did for Mali. Only time will tell though, and I imagine there will not be a perceivable difference in the girls as they get older.
I also feel guilt about: the piles of papers that need to be filed, that I forget a million things a day, that I'm not the best wife, that I forget about my friends, that I forget to pray for my friends, that I leave the girls to work an hour a day, that I don't always pick up Eleri when she cries when I'm working, that my brain is mush about 110% of the time, that I have debt....so the list could go on! BUT HERE IS THE TRUTH....
God has been showing me scripture and reassuring me with truth.
Through BSF:
Do I have this need that I have to be everything to everyone? This is NOT biblical thinking. I'm not called to do everything, but I am called to do specific things.
God's opinion of us is really all that matters, because at any given time you will either be thinking too little or too highly of yourself.
Knowing the truth about yourself is knowing who you are and who you are not. (I'm keeping a list of WHO I AM and WHO I AM NOT as I come across scripture with those truths).
Our deepest need is not to be on top politically to have everything we want, or to be free from hardships. Our need is to be cleansed by God.
Scripture:
Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus
John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God
2 Corinthians 4:7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us

Okay, well its not as well shared as I had anticipated as this has been building in my head, but its out there, and the girls are up!:)

If I've told you once, I've told you a million times

Be careful
Don't stand on the counters
Ask for help

These are just several statements I've made to Mali throughout her life. Yesterday all my warnings were not heeded. Mali climbed on top of her bathroom counter and fell off. I grabbed her off of the tile floor as she was screaming and crying. I held her for a while then gave her motrin and an ice pack. She kept screaming and then started to say "I can't see, mommy I can't see". I was worried that she was just dramatizing or being 4 so I called our nurse and she said to take her to the ER. We picked Eric up and went to the ER. Mali was not acting like herself at all. They ordered a CT scan which was another ordeal. Mali was scared of it and cried and cried. Finally, after a bribe (a new Webkinz or Polly Pocket) and Eric's help, she complied. Eric sang Jesus Loves Me at her request. (Eleri and I had to stay outside). We went back to the room and Mali threw up and then took a nap while we waited for the results. The CT came back clear with a normal brain and normal head-praise God. After we got home, Mali started acting like herself again. She was acting very sweet and just talking away. She complained of pain after her motrin wore off but that was it. She ate really great too and thankfully kept it all down.
While we were waiting I felt so much peace from God. I was concerned, but still felt that peace. Isaiah 26:3 says "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, becase he trusts in you.". It was certainly a hard time and it has made me so appreciative of sweet Mali. I hope to hold on to this and continue to treasure her. I just wish I had more opportunities to hold and cuddle with her.
When she was discharged and I was checking out, the receptionist informed me that we had no ER co-pay with our new insurance but that it went towards our deductible. I really almost lost it right then! I don't need to get on that soap box now, but had to vent about insurance. I wonder if Mr. Obama will make that worse or better?
Also, last night when I was bathing her, I noticed a large red mark on her back. This made us reevaluate what exactly had happened. From her report and injuries, it seems that she was standing on the counter, slipped, hit her back on the counter and then fell to the floor and hit her head. Uh it just makes me cringe. I'm so thankful for God's protection over her and her injuries. I think it shows the big picture of how God works, He doesn't always keep us from accidents or injuries (although there is no telling how much he has protected her from) but he keeps us in perfect peace and minimizes those injuries. Often times, we need to the difficult circumstance to learn a lesson, hopefully Mali has learned a lesson, although Eric and I agree that she probably will climb again.

Trying....

These are several new things that I'm trying. God has graciously placed people and ideas in my life to help me, hopefully, be a better manager of our home. Before children, my house was spotless, in fact my co-workers at Buckner used to give me a hard time about this and I remember little "talks" with roommates about dishes being left in the sink. Really? Now dishes are never not left in the sick. I even slid on through keeping a clean house during Mali's first few years of life, but now that has all changed. I cannot do it and cannot even manage it, so I'm having to not rely on my own disciplined self and time, but to be strategic because life is not what it used to be. So, these are things I'm learning and trying:
After I put the girls to bed, I'm cleaning the kitchen up, sweeping, mopping, loading and unloading the dishwasher every night.
Shining my sink (i.e. cleaning the kitchen sink) each night
Writing on a menu board what is for dinner
One load of laundry a day
Setting the timer for 15 minutes often throughout the day, for reading my bible/praying, picking up, getting ready, etc.
Wiping down our bathroom every morning after I get ready.
Reminding myself in my head what I've accomplished not what I haven't accomplished.
Listening to God's truth of who I am and not Satan's lies about my failures
Cleaning out my car every Friday

We'll see how it goes, but at least these things are helping me feel successful and having my home under control. I love rules, structure and boundaries. It's really the only way I'm effective.

update on me

I just wanted to hide this in here for those of you that care...and those of you that don't care hence the hiding. Praise God the hernia is gone!!!! Yippee no surgery for me. Bad news is that I've not lost the remaining baby weight, but consumption of Dr. Pepper, eating out, and new jeans already led me to this belief it was just confirmed today!

Song of Solomon...I mean Eric

After Sunday's sermon on Song of Solomon 4, Eric came up with his own rendition:
I’m no solomon but I will attempt my poetic-ness to the whole faceboock community to proclaim my love.
Your eyes are like Mississippi kites dive bombing golfers to protect their young, your hair flows like the tall fescue that lines the fairways of the old course in St. Andrews. Your teeth are as white as the laces of a new football before a 12-play drive lasting 6 minutes. Your neck reminds me of a narrow fairway protecting a short par 4 or even that of the great playmaking safety of the 49ers Merton Hanks. Your breasts are like the two grassy mounds that protect an easy Sunday pin placement. Your figure is that of a perfectly manicured baseball field with straight lines and perfectly placed bases. Your skin is that of the Augusta fairways with no signs of crabgrass. Your breath smells as sweet as the freshly cut grass. You are much more refreshing than a Fat Tire after 36 holes. Your fragrance is not that of the old musty water of a ball washer or the odor of week 12 in the locker room…it’s better. Your lips taste better than any flavor of wings. The vision of you is better than a 4-foot putt for eagle. You are Augusta un-played by any non member!!
-Eric

Why I choose to stay home….

I’ve had several friends in the past and present ask me my advice on staying at home, so I thought I would just share it with everyone. I do choose to stay at home with my girls. This is what God has shown me and why I made the choice.

#1-God told me to. It was impressed upon my heart by him and confirmed with scripture that He put into my life when I was pregnant with Mali. I was not planning on staying at home and had been very career minded. I stepped out on faith and trusted God. Without a doubt He has proved faithful and trustworthy in this decision. This is part of a letter I wrote at the time to my co-workers:
Throughout the months that I was pregnant and praying about what to do, God showed me many things and many verses that I want to share with you so that you will understand my decision. Before I share those things, I do want to say that I do not think that it is wrong to work or that God thinks that it is wrong to work. In fact, Proverbs 31 talks about a woman of excellence. In these verses it talks about how she works and is pretty much in charge of the family. But for me, God has individually said that I need to stay home, not because working is wrong but because this is part of His plan for me and my family. God has said in Proverbs 27:23-24 “Know well the condition of your flocks, and pay attention to your herds; For riches are not forever nor does a crown endure to all generations”. My time with Mali and Eric will endure to all generations, and God has said that is where my time needs to be invested. The main thing that God showed me was that my family needs to be a priority. I think that is mainly why God is asking me to step away from work. In the past, this has not been the case. Work and my achievements (“crowns”) have been my priority but God says that “crowns” do not endure. Also, my leaving work is opening up the door for Eric to be the leader of our home in many ways but especially financially. There are also other reasons based on finances and my responsibilities at Buckner that God has shown me that support the decision to stay home. I want to be able to be involved in Eric’s work as well and be a “coach’s wife” and I believe that is a role that God also wants me to play. I’m scared of leaving work. I love counseling and do believe that God has chosen me to be a counselor. I can’t say that I understand or am glad for what He has asked me to do, but I trust Him and know that if I “…seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” Matthew 6:33. God has also told me that he “…will supply all [my] needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:19. And last of all God has said “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:5,6. I don’t understand, at least not yet, but I want my paths to be straight.

#2-In order to be a good wife I feel like I need to stay at home. Eric’s schedule is crazy during football and part of what I feel my job is, is to make life as easy on him as possible during that time and to be really involved in his job. I just don’t think I could do that and work. I know without a doubt that our involvement in his job would not be a priority. Also, my job at the time required me to be on-call. I knew that with Eric’s schedule there was no way I could do this. If he was gone (sometimes he doesn’t get home until 3am after scouting or football games), I would have to find a way to wake Mali and take her some where if I did get paged. So I just couldn’t do this. I also want to be able to prepare meals for our family that are healthy and good. If I worked, I know that I would be picking up food to go which wouldn’t always be healthy and we would eat on the run. Again, not bad, but just a few things that God showed me. I try to keep the house picked up, etc. (Okay, not so great at this one, and I’ve been told by working moms that your house stays clean because no one is home, I think I’d miss the mess!:)) I also never asked Eric to get up with the girls in the middle of the night, because he needed to be well rested for his job. I looked at it as my job to do these things. I try to do whatever I can for it to be easy on him.

#3-Finances. When I first made the decision to stay at home with Mali, it didn’t add up for me to go back to work. I wouldn’t have been bringing in that much money after paying for the quality of care we wanted for Mali, formula and gas to go to and from everywhere. However, now that I have my license I can work a few hours a week and make better money than having a full time in job in some cases. But I still gage that by the same things God showed me from the beginning: am I still able to provide the best environment for my girls when I work, am I able to breastfeed still, can I trust who I leave them with (if it is family then I’m very okay with that, especially their daddy because it has allowed for good Daddy/daughter time). Can I still make dinner and not contribute to craziness and running around? Right now, I do work to pay for medical co-pays, diapers…etc. Along side of finances, I try to make my job invaluable and to “make us money” by staying home. I try not to spend excessively or even shop beyond necessity. I breastfeed so we don’t have to buy formula (and it is wonderful too). I make my own baby food and baby wipes. I plan outings in the most gas efficient way. Yes some times it is very hard financially, but “things” aren’t nearly as important as my children. God has ALWAYS been faithful to provide for us and the biggest blessing was that we were never living off two incomes. We had only had my full time income and two months of Eric’s when I left to stay at home with Mali. We easily live on one income-a teacher/coach’s income at that! Thank you God!!!

#4-It is a short season! This was huge at the time. I remember listening to a Focus on the Family broadcast while I was in the shower and just bawling, because I knew what God was calling me to do. It was a panel of stay at home moms and they all kept saying it was a short season, and just for a season. Now I see the wisdom in that! The years were so precious that I had with Mali, but they flew by! She started preschool last year and I would never have thought that my time with her was so short, but it was. Really, at the most, you have 4 years at home with each child, depending on how you spread it out, so if Eleri is our last child (not sure), then I have four more years of staying at home which is really only 8 years compared to the rest of my life to work….soooo short.

So my advice to others, if God showed you to do this do it, if there is no reason to work financially then do this, you will be so thankful and see the fruit one day, if your husband supports it, do this! I obviously am working now, about seven hours a week. Sometimes it still breaks my heart to leave my girls, but I also know that part of my work now is a ministry that God has equally called me to and part of it is a beautiful time for Eric to spend playing with his girls. Working a few hours a week is a great way that I can now contribute to helping our family. I absolutely love staying at home with my girls and wouldn’t have it any other way.

If God showed you to work, then do it with all your heart. You are no where near a bad mother. Obedience to what God has called us to do is the best lesson for our children, especially when it isn’t easy. I know many Godly, well adjusted, smart amazing people that grew up going to childcare. It may make a difference in the short term, but doesn’t seem to in the long run. And for that matter, I have so many Godly, amazing, super loving mom friends that work. I know that they love their children just as much and I really believe that they may be better at balancing it all. I'm sure that with my personality I could not do it all well.

From Whom All Blessings Flow

I just wanted to take some time to praise God “from whom all blessings flow”. Two years ago, was my D&C. I haven’t memorialized this day or held on to, it is really just a day BUT I did want to just really praise God for how faithful He has been to us in those two years. Two years ago, I had NO idea what the future would hold for us with my molar pregnancy diagnosis, and I had in mind the worst that could happen. However, God did care for us during that time. Even though it was a difficult time, should I not accept difficult from God if I so readily accept blessings? Because truth be told MANY blessings came from that difficulty. Sweet Eleri Cate is one of those blessings. She is such a treasure to us, and I do not take it lightly that she is part of our family! So, Thank You GOD for healing my body and for blessing us with another child, among many other things!