Not smelling like fire

The past week has been a little difficult to rise above my circumstances. Part of the problem is receiving bills for surgery. Especially when it cost what having a baby would cost (not quite, but that is what my mind is telling me). I'm finding that I'm having to spend a lot more time and effort taking captive my thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure if it is hormone related (I think it is), but I am struggling with being upset and just having to fight it, or ask God to fight it is more correct. I am really trying to rest in the sovereignty of God. The chapter that I'm reading in "A Life Well Lived" has been focusing on having poise during difficult times, and believe me, that is what I'm trying to do. I'm not sure that I'm really succeeding right now. God has reminded me of the Daniel study that Beth Moore wrote. She talks about how Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego came through the fiery furnace and didn't even smell like fire. "v. 27 and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them."(see Daniel 3) I suppose that is part of the greatest struggle right now; to go through this fire, which is actually sometimes daily small embers spit off of the larger fire in my life, and yet to not smell like the stench of the burn. I know that I have such an opportunity to choose to breathe life or breathe death from this experience, especially as I come in contact with new people and share my "story". At this point what I know is that I have to expose myself to God in some form, scripture, prayer, music, worship, anything on a daily basis, or else I will not succeed in not smelling like this fire.
I also wanted to share a quote from the book (I will say again, you need to get this one!!):

Ecclesiastes 8:6 "For there is a proper time and procedure for every delight, when a man's trouble is heavy upon him."

When my life is burdensome and my heart is broken, I need to remember that there is a proper time and procedure for every delight. There will be a time when this trouble is gone. There will be times of laughter. In God's purposes, there will be a time when everything is turned upright again.
So if you have trouble that is heavy on you right now, know that it is all in the sovereign purposes of God. Change what you can change. Be wise. But in what you can't change, rest in the sovereignty of God.

Also, one of my very best friends shared this verse with me. I hope she doesn't mind that I shared it on the blog. It was so appropriate. I continue to be amazed at how scripture really is new every morning!

It made me think that God knows what we need, when we need it, and He is gracious to fulfill our desires with an "open hand". Hope that makes sense, but I guess the verse can speak for itself! "The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." - Psalm 145:15-16

On a much lighter note, football season at Bonham has begun. Eric won all four of his games in the past two days. A major cold front hit right before the 7th grade games on Monday and it has been perfect football weather ever since. We have had fun enjoying what we can enjoy and celebrating with Eric! So to add to my list of "likes" about Amarillo, the middle schools do not play at stadiums, just on the fields outside of the school, which makes life much easier with a 2 1/2 year old running around. I watched more of the games than I've watched since she was born (and maybe before that since I'm new and have no one to socialize with :) )

A little convicted

After my discouraging day and my last post, I went and read "A Life Well Lived" and this scripture was in there. I had to share it, because it really put things in perspective for me. It doesn't make this easier, but reminds me to trust God. And, if you haven't bought this book yet...DO IT!:) I think it should be required reading for everyone!:)

Isaiah 40:13-14

13 Who has understood the mind of the Lord, or instructed him as his counselor? 14 Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?

Today

I've been pretty good at pretending I'm strong throughout this whole thing, but today is not one of those days. (Really though the only strength that I have had is God's.) I had a follow up appointment with my ob/gyn today. I'm so thankful for her and that God took me to her. She is really great. So the results of that appointment are that my uterus is still enlarged (one of the symptoms of a molar pregnancy, and why I realize now I was "showing" so quickly when we first found out I was pregnant), but it should continue to go down. I had stopped bleeding, but started again today, which is just all part of this whole thing. My doctor put me on a prescription strength iron pill to help get my blood count back up. She didn't check to see if I was anemic, but is pretty much a given that I need to build my blood back up. I had asked when I would feel better, and her response was 6-8 weeks, but that iron would help. I also got a prescription for birth control (whoo hoo). I know that so many people are on the pill and love it, but I just haven't had good experiences. On top of that I got the cheapest one that I could and it is still going to be about $20/month. I would appreciate your prayers that birth control doesn't affect me emotionally. I'm very nervous about this (why, I'm not sure, as God has been so faithful to me throughout this experience. I guess I'm just living in my flesh today.) I read some reviews about this particular pill, and they weren't good, about the emotional side affects. My doctor also scheduled another follow up for two weeks from now to recheck my uterus. It turns out that I will pretty much have weekly appointments between the oncologist and her, but better safe than sorry. From here on out, I need to have my hCG levels checked every two to three weeks until I have three negative readings (under zero), after that I will have my levels checked every three months until a year has passed. At that point, we may be released to try again to get pregnant. I asked my doctor about my chances of this coming back. She said that it is a greater risk within the year time frame, but still a low risk...yet there was a 1/1,500 chance of this happening in the first place and it happened to me. She explained to me that they do not want me to get pregnant because it is hard to monitor whether or not the carcinoma has come back (her words) because all they have to go by is the hCG levels. She said that if I get a blood test that my levels are elevated I would need more intense treatment (possibly chemo). Her words were that if I were to become pregnant this, molar pregnancy, is so dangerous that they would have to abort the pregnancy and treat it as if it was in fact a molar, because there would be no other way to tell. So it is worth the wait. I'm really trying to rest in God's plan and lay this at His feet. Today it was hard to see the pregnant women in the office, especially the ones with what looked like another 2 year old child. I spent most of Sunday crying over this, and Eric said "did you ever think you would cry over not having a baby?" We laughed, and then he said that he thought it was pretty neat that I did want a baby. My doctor also talked with me about the care I had received in Lubbock and asked if I had notified my doctor there of what had happened. She said that she did not even have to see me, just my levels and the sonogram and list of symptoms, to know that this was a molar pregnancy. I think after I am better emotionally (not sure when that will be, especially being on the pill), I'm going to write a very professional letter to them about the care I received. I'm really not angry, and what is done is done, and God allowed this all to happen, but maybe I can help a patient in the future have better care.
I so appreciate all of your prayers and love! I continue to need them, even though surgery is done! I'm ready to feel better and not have to live day to day or appointment to appointment. We'll get there though, I just have to keep trusting in what God is doing in my life. Speaking of, I think I really need to stop venting and get in the Word right now!:)

Results

This morning I went to the oncologist to go over my results from the D&C. The pathology report showed that it was a molar pregnancy but that it had not spread to cancer. Also, my hCG levels were less than 5 which is wonderful. (They need to be at zero, but this is the lowest it has been). So, this means that the D&C got almost all of the molar pregnancy out. I go back in 3 weeks for blood work and we will monitor my hCG for the next year. The doctor stressed again that I can not get pregnant for a year. He told me to send Eric out of the country for a year!:) But I do have to be on two forms of birth control for three months, and then just an aggressive form of birth control pill for the remainder of the year. I'm not looking forward to that as I haven't taken birth control for 6 years because of how it made me feel. But I totally get how important it is not to get pregnant. Thank you for all of your prayers. I'm so relieved right now and thankful for how God has taken care of me and answered our prayers! Thank you all!
These are the lyrics to the song that was playing when I pulled up to the Cancer Center, so I had to share:
Cathedrals have tried in vain
To show the image of Your face.
But we are, by Your design,
The signature of divine.

We'll always sing Your name.
Forever and today.

Chorus:
Yahweh, Yahweh...
Great is Your glory when You go before me
Oh, we sing...
Holy, Holy...
Your ways are lovely. So high above me.
Yahweh

The fortunes of kings and queens
Are wasted chasing what we've seen.
Cause we are, by Your reprieve,
The beauty framed by Your suffering.

We'll always sing Your name.
Forever and today.

Chorus:

Take me, and pull me through.
Cause I can't move without You.
I won't leave You alone, You say.
It will be okay.

Chorus: (2x�s)

Ancient of Days...
Yahweh!

Making it really easy

Here is the link to a site where you can buy "A Life well Lived". I so think every one of you would benefit from this study.
A Life Well Lived
Also, here are 2 other quotes that I read yesterday:
“Whether you’re a believer or an atheist, you will royally mess up your life if you can’t trust God.”
“The chances are that if I asked you to list the things that have shaped your life, you would not name the mountaintop moments of success. Instead, you would list your times in valleys of hurt and pain when you were forced to rely on trust, prayer, and perseverance. Those are the times that shape you.”

I just thought these were such truths for my experience now, and my valleys of hurt experiences. So I had to share.

I’m continuing to recover…thanks for your prayers. I’m just seeing how life can take such unexpected twists and turns and can change overnight. God is our constant and our Rock, and He doesn’t twist and turn, He’s always the same. That is why I can trust Him and turn to Him.

Recovering

So I'm finally writing my own update. Yesterday I was still too groggy to post. The surgery went really well, amazing actually. I so expected the worst, but God gave me the best. I am so grateful to Him as He answered our prayers and took care of me. Thank you so much for all your prayers as well. God answered them!!! A surgery that usually involves a lot of blood loss, ended up being one with very little blood loss. That right there is God! The recovery has gone pretty well. I can't complain, as the whole picture turned out so great. I was pretty sick after the surgery until I got home and go to bed. I didn't get hardly any sleep that night and spent most of yesterday napping on and off throughout the day. However, I did not have to take any more pain meds. Last night I finally got good sleep (thanks to a dose of Tylenol PM) and feel better today. I'm still a little tired but was able to get up and function for the most part; eating breakfast, putting my contacts in, getting dressed in something other than a t-shirt and workout shorts, and putting makeup on! (I also put my nose ring back in! As if you all care about that!:)) I have had more pain today, but am managing it with regular Advil, trying to stay away from the Codeine unless I really need it. I've heard the 3rd day is usually the worst of recovery. Mali came back this morning and it was so good to see her and hold her. I think I'm going to be okay with having her back, but it is sure nice that she likes to pretend to go "night-night" and gives me a pillow and blankets and lies down beside me! She told Terry that she was going to come home and take care of me and take me to Wal-Mart. I'm not so sure about Wal-Mart...I think that is a place a need to avoid!:) It was sweet of her, and shows her heart, but I also hate to have a child that thinks she needs to take care of me. I think everyone has been emphasizing that she needs to be good for me, etc. (which would be very nice). Mali seemed to enjoy her time away, but struggled again with going to the bathroom when she needed to.
The chest x-ray also came back good, so the molar pregnancy had not spread to my lungs. I will do follow up blood work (measuring my hCG) again next Thursday and a consultation with the oncologist on Friday to go over the results of the surgery and blood work. The hope is that since the molar pregnancy was removed that my hCG will return to zero. They will monitor my hCG for a year to make sure that the molar pregnancy doesn't return. And at that point if all is good, we can try to have another baby.
Well I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on. I better go and get some rest while Mali is napping. Thank you all so very much for your prayers, the food, the thoughts, and the love you have given our family as we go through this.

Tomorrow

Today has been a hard day for me. I have not felt good at all and am just so worried about tomorrow's results. Actually, maybe anxious is the better word, because I do totally trust and believe that God is in control of this. I am scared. I have the praise and worship song with the words "you are good, you are good, and your love endures..." stuck in my head, so I keep reciting that over and over today. I'm always reciting Isaiah 41:10 in my head. It was my very first verse to memorize when I started having a relationship with Jesus (remember this one Carrie?). "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Do not be afraid!!! Even though I know all these things, it is hard to not fear. I so appreciate your love and prayers. We have had so many people that we don't even know love on us during this time, thank you!
Tonight my Dad and Terry came down to pick up Mali to take her to Dalhart for a few days. That was when it really hit me. It was so difficult to let her go and say good-bye to her, although I do not want her to have to be around and be exposed to what is going to happen to me. She is going to have so much more fun swimming and playing with her kitchen and terrorizing little dogs!:) Our house is extremely quiet now, but I am looking forward to this rest. Even though this was so difficult, after I cried all the way home, I did feel washed over with peace.
We will go to BSA tomorrow morning at 6:30am and wait around for my turn. Eric or Megan will be updating this blog when they take me to surgery and after the surgery is over, so keep checking it. Eric will be alone at the hospital for a long time, so please pray for him during that time. If only he enjoyed reading, he would get a lot done.
Karen Copeland's (Trook) Sunday School Class at Paramount Baptist is going to bring us food tomorrow evening and one of the coaches and his wife (we knew them from Levelland) will bring us food on Tuesday. Thank you so so much for loving us this way in a new town where we aren't plugged in yet!
I love you all dearly and treasure you. God has continued to provide for us and love on us. HE IS GOOD, HE IS GOOD....