I wanted to wait until tomorrow to post, as I have a doctor's appointment, but felt that the emotions I'm feeling needed to come out...I needed to vent so that I don't spend all night crying. Nothing is wrong, everything is great, it is just super close to life changing. I'm sad thinking about Mali and that I'm on the threshold of no more moments with just her, I'm sad thinking about the times I've snapped at her in the last 9 months and more recent days/weeks. I'm tearful (in a happy way) at the sweet sweet moments that God has given me with Mali in the last few weeks; sitting and reading books again and again, cuddling as we watch Jon and Kate Plus 8, talking about when Mali was a baby, bubble baths consisting of "snowball fights", hearing her laugh when I tickle her (when I actually take the time). I'm nervous, okay a little scared, about having the c-section and all the unknowns, although I have perfect peace that God is going to hold me and take care of me. I feel like crying over all the relationships in my life, some in a good way and some in a sad way. I miss my brother, who is in Nepal for a month, and really wanted to pick up the phone and call him last night. I want to cry each time Eric leaves town, because I need him and his daughters need him. He is THE man (the only male) in our household and we need his strength and love. I'm sad that I'm done counseling but also happy and relieved that today was the last day that I had to leave Mali in less than ideal circumstances to come work (she is lying on a soccer field on a picnic blanket, bundled up and watching her portable DVD player while Eric holds soccer practice). All of these things make me want to cry. It doesn't help that I just listened to one of my favorite hymns. What makes me want to cry the most is thinking of the words to this hymn, and what God has done for me in my life. How He rescued me from a yucky life and took me as His own. Even though my heart is prone to wander, and not trust in His provisions or His good plan, He STILL loves me, more than anyone and better than anyone EVER has! He forgives me when I'm a bad mom, when I cry out to Him for help and confess that I yelled at Mali for such a silly reason. He loves me and he loves my girls and He is going to get us through this, and not just surviving but living an abundant life!
So long post to say, here is a video of the David Crowder Band singing "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"...the lyrics are on the video too, so read them!:)
And I end, crying, but crying out "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing...."
I totally understand your emotions! I went through all of that when I was about to have Eisley! I was so sad for Mia, and that it wouldn't be "all about her" anymore, and that attention would be divided, and so on and so on...But don't worry! Mali will love on sweet Eleri so quickly, and it will melt your heart all again, and you will realize that your love for her only increases, just as it will for Eleri! You will still have those amazing sweet moments still with Mali. In fact, I tend to treasure those "individual" moments with Eisley more, because I feel like those are rarer than they are with Mia. Anyways, cry it out girl! Bring on the tears! Can't wait to see pictures soon!
ReplyDeleteI've been there too! But it is so true that the new changes are wonderful. God will be faithful to you and you will have great stories of his goodness. Praying Peace for your heart!
ReplyDeleteThanks girls for your encouragement and advice from being moms of two!:) And really, I am excited to hold and meet Eleri and look forward to her, I don't think I blog about that enough!!
ReplyDeleteI remember being around Stephanie the day before she had Meredith. All she focused on was Wesley and his care. I was thinking, "Hello, you are fixing to have a baby and minor surgery." Fast forward three years and I completely understood her thinking. Did I care that I was going to have a baby? No, I cared that the twns would get to school safely and on time (I even made my best friend (Brie) come and help out my mother-in-law so that she could offer to drive my car).
ReplyDeleteIt is funny how the time spent in the hospital with a new baby prepares and allows you to shift your focus onto the newest member of your family and you have to trust that your other child(ren) will be taken care of.
Brie, please do not be sad about Mali. Please focus on the benefits she will have of growing up with a sister (including the likely years that she will still ahve a sister after you and Eric are gone). In six months, you will look back and will not even be able to remember what your life was like without Eleri. God has the perfect plan for your family and knows the exact number of members your family is meant to have. He also has gifted you as a mom with a tender heart towards her girls. You are a fabulous mom. Mali will survive not having your undivided attention. I know that you will compensate in other areas.
I am praying for you and will be praying for a safe delivery and a smotth transition to a family of four.
First of all, I LOVE that song! It's probably my very favorite song! I LOVE IT!
ReplyDeleteYour post was beautiful and I'm sure it helped you so much to just vent and get it all out there. I'm sure it will be wonderful for both girls to have each other and I bet it will be good for Mali to have a baby sister and be mom's little helper. You're an amazing mom and everything will work out perfect! :o)